Dear diary,
This december i will be 20 years old. The year is coming to a close and i can tell years are just flying by me! So i really dont want this coming year to be the same. i want to move forward ya know, accomplish the theme of this diary.
"To Be Independent" how long has it been since i have sought this? a LONG time. and things have changed. i take the bus now, i have my own bank account, my debit card, ive made many expenses on my own, i have a student loan in my name, ive made big decisions like changing schools, i am being more active in my leadership roles at church and i've also made many unfortionate decisions which i have paid and living with the consequences. Further i've finally quit playing in the cest pool of sin. roller coasters dont excite me(how is that being adult?). No interest in the dating scene, im back to being mature about that! i've permanently and unwaveringly decided to be a woman of God.
BUT! theres still alot that i feel like a child in. There are still people who veiw me as a 16 year old. Sometimes i do act like a child. i know i look like a child by how carelessly i dress. I still get money from mommy to spend throughout the day. she is paying half of my school. there are times i give in and ask her to clean my room lol. i can never find anything so once again mommy saves me. i'm always running late to everything and mommy is always on top of me, i love her, but i dont like anymore her reminding me "watch the time, veronica your gonna be late". she does it cuz i give her reason to have to do it. i still have no car too.
but mostly, its a personality trait, i just act timid. i dont take charge, im too quiet. there are people i know how i still veiw as a child even if their my own age, and others who are YOUNGER than me that act older than i do and i forget they're still a child.
so i've decided i am in no rush to be a graphic designer! lol. if i graduate in 3 years it isnt the end of the world!
i'd much rather be independent and graduate later than be a child and have to wait 2 years to grow up.
i know people who dont have cars and they are very adult. but they have a job. car or no car, i need money ya kno lol.
anyways there are things i want to do this year.
Like...
keep my room clean
take the bus everywhere to school, to church, to work.
get a job, enough to be considered independent in income taxes for 2010.
get my drivers license
hang out with older people, no one in highschool
cook dinner for the family
do things like buy groceries, pay for dinner meals
be very active n on top of things in leadership role in church
be early for everything
run my new website
read my bible everyday
i want to be more:
pro active
quick witted
opinionated
christian
i dont want to be
a slut
a heathen
shy
imature
childish
slow
passive
I'm very ambitious but i want to be efficiennt and manage the enemy called time. lol.
school and work is gonna be tricky cuz school is so unflexible!
i totally want to be a waitress, starbucks barista, secretary.
I must manage full time school, part time job, getting my AA in english, YWAV youth leader/praise dancer, ballerina.
the amount of time each one of those takes is CRAZY!
its kind of hard to get over the fact that i did something COMPLETELY against who i am. I cant believe it honestly. it just screwed with my mind i guess, kind of had to find myself in Christ again. It humbled me alot, i no longer feel ultra proud of who iam anymore. lol which is what i want to feel tho, i want to LOVE who i am. but i should LOVE God more right? Everytime i THINK i'm past this, i'm not. it sucks :/.
i'm very thankful to be free from this lifetime hyper sexuality. i guess i never knew it was so bad. now that i am free of it, i see how bad those chains were on me, i praise God that i am free. cuz i've never ever ever been free of this, and i feel like a new person. sometimes i want people to read what i write so they can truly get how good God is.
and if theres anything my reader gets from my diary, i want them to experience the evidence of God's love.
thats what my life is afterall.
-V
Burnt out - November 06, 2009
take over - October 30, 2009
sick of home - October 29, 2009
Good Morning! - October 27, 2009
Done. - October 26, 2009