Dear Diary,
The excitement of my new art school is dwindling, i love it, love the professors, the people and the atmosphere, it's the cheapest place for my major but...
i still really really want to go away.
It's not to escape any one person, it's not to go to party even though i'll try it, yes i want to escape miami but i am not running from problems, i just want change, i feel like going away for college was ment for me and i need to go somewhere where i know no one to be able to find my true self and let her shine.
i want it so bad. i want to go away. i feel no attachment to miami. i know i can leave everyone here in a heartbeat lol. i love them all but i just need to go.
This isnt some impulsive desire, it's what i've wanted my entire life.
Look sure the school i'd go to is a horrid school for Graphic Design, frankly, i dont care if i become a graphic designer now or in 10 years. I'm kind of tired of networking and socializeing.
i feel like i have held back who i am my entire life. As if i have been trying to play a part. I realized early on that the best way to keep yourself out of trouble is to shut up. Thats what i did, the less i said, the less people would see my faults as the good girl, the example ect.
I kind of feel like i am superbly over the entire teenage act. i am over being imature. frankly college people at the nearby university annoy me but at my art school i love them because they are all older people. I feel as if i am done playing a game with God. Like no heathen activity really interest me.
i am not a party girl. i dont want sex or the like of it. i can drink right here at home. no drugs for me. i've already kissed a girl ;), and cursing is becoming a routine act.
i dont want to go for the sake of something new.
i dont know why i want to go, i just do!
i hope to just be freeeee. ugh i dont want to be in my church anymore. i am sick of being a leader, i am sick of all the dance responsibilities. everyone knows me as a christian. i want to say things and not worry who is listening. i know i know! i cant stop being christian. it could never ever be a concious act and i dont want it to be an unconcious one. i just need to go.
spring is too late! summer is not. but...thats soo far...
i just want to go for a little bit. it doesnt have to be 3 years. even one semester would due for me.
i must be the most ungrateful person. cuz right now all i have been whining about is how i wish would of have a few non christian years, or how i am sick of church, or how i wanna curse a bit and stuff. but YET i feel SO inlove with God and all i can think of is complaining of how i am inlove with God so much! WOW
humans are stupid.
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